Why Are We Here Again? Oh Yeah, That's Right.

Well it’s day two (or three—jet lag is throwing my sense of time off) and we’re going strong here in Penang, Malaysia. If by strong you mean hungry, exhausted, and over-heated. Just kidding, sort of. But really, I’m incredibly grateful to finally be here, mostly in two regards: 1. The last few days of preparations and 24 hours on airplanes with five kiddos was less than ideal and a wee bit stressful, 2. I’ve been wishing and wanting to live in southeast Asia since 2003. And when I say wishing and wanting, I mean rather obsessively.

I subscribe more to the philosophy of “dive in headfirst without considering the full range of consequences” rather than be a “someday maybe” kind of gal. I’m not accustomed to waiting if there’s any conceivable path that would bring me to my goal NOW. So this means I’ve actively pursued numerous avenues that would move our family abroad since before our family officially became a family when Kyle and I tied the knot in 2004.

Before we met, he’d served as a missionary in Cambodia for two years and I returned from Uganda (Africa was my first true love in the world) inexplicably enamored with and determined to visit southeast Asia, so it seemed obvious that we’d find a way to move there sooner rather than later.

The whole having five kids thing inevitably delayed the realization of this dream, but not entirely. I was always searching for a job, volunteer opportunity, or really any endeavor that would move us overseas. I think my zealous determination wore on Kyle at times, since our standard suburban American lives were, by all outward measures, quite pleasant. It was never about avoiding an American lifestyle, though. It was always just this indefinable ache within me—a feeling I could never shake that I belonged elsewhere. Where? Not quite sure. But adventure and new horizons defined that place, and that visceral need in my heart.

There were countless times when I questioned my motives—was I suffering from escapism/ a “grass is greener” complex? My only experience living abroad with kids (when M and E were 2 and 0 we lived a year in Tianjin, China) was kind of awful and difficult in every way. So was I just romanticizing a life abroad, but when it came down to it, I wouldn’t actually be happier there? And what about my structure and stability-craving kids? How could I drag them around the world nilly-willy and expect they’d avoid complex emotional scars? Was this wanderlust that called to me simply a character defect I needed to suppress and overcome?

Well folks, these questions remain unanswered. Like many of life’s most poignant questions, only trial and experience will reveal their answers. I knew I would always regret never trying to answer them, though. So this time in Malaysia is entirely and unequivocally a grand experiment. There is much I hope to discover and understand better during our time here. I have high hopes indeed. And yet in many ways, Kyle and I are scared witless. 

We can’t blame a job, schooling, health problems, or any other external motivation for uprooting our family and relocating across the world. This is all on us, and we’re going to have to be incredibly brave and determined to forge a living here with no precedent or built in network for support. All we have to recommend us is what’s within us. Dear Lord, I hope that is enough.

Still, like I said, I’m feeling very hopeful and optimistic. I’m sure darker days are ahead, but for now, I can only be grateful that 14 years after the seed was planted in my mind, WE ARE HERE. Of course, when that seed was planted, I thought it would be just independent me travelling and living in southeast Asia alone. The hubs and five kidlets are a complete bonus.

So two (or three) days in, we still don’t know if it’s night or day, walking outside in the heat of the day just about wiped us out like the plague, and we’re adjusting to the TP-less nature of toileting here (a bucket of water with a cup for splashing will indeed suffice), but I can handle all that. After handling 14 years of impatiently waiting for this day, all I can say is bring it on, Malaysia. Bring it on.